How to Establish Nonviolent Communication?

We are going to learn to talk and get along without being emotional.

We will learn to pay attention to our communication needs as well as what we want to convey. We will pay attention to the need the other person is attempting to meet and is expressing this. When conversing, you will learn to address your own wants while without interfering with the needs of others.

Empathizing with Yourself

You can sympathize with both yourself and others. Self-empathy tries to guess how you are feeling right now. To better comprehend how we are experiencing, we will practice a meditation in which we are removed from external circumstances. We close our eyes to meditate. We scan our body, feeling each layer from the heel to the head. Then we ask ourselves what we want and how we are.

Listening with a Heartfelt Ear

Every word and action is your choice — Freud

The listening symbol in Chinese combines the ear, eye, undivided attention and focus, and heart symbols. This allows you to listen with your whole heart.

You will enter a room with a friend, and one of you will speak for three minutes while the other listens. He will not interrupt or speak while listening. Making comments or using facial expressions will distract the other individual. Then he will tell what he heard for two minutes without commenting.

So, why did we do it? Our goal is to make the individual we’re having trouble speaking with feel heard. This will be handy if you anticipate a fight. Don’t attempt to recall; simply listen and you’ll remember more.

“The pinnacle of human intelligence lies in the ability to observe without comment.” — Krishnamurti

You should disarm the person who begins to be hostile in conversation by saying, “I value you, let me summarize what you said.” When someone feels heard, they relax and resume normal communication. Do not say, “I hear you” or “I understand you,” but rather recap what they said and ask, “Did I understand you?” This shows the other person that they are understood.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” — Gandhi

If the person in front of you repeats anything, they want you to hear and understand it correctly. You’ve said this several times; isn’t it vital to you? Finally, you should inquire if there is anything else you want to tell me and provide what is left in the last section.

Emotional Violence

Violence falls into two categories. One is physical violence, while the other is emotional violence. Emotional violence interferes with communication. You may also be inflicting emotional abuse on yourself. Someone who does not listen and constantly talks generates emotional violence. After a while, there will be friction, and you will end your relationship.

Patterns That Block Communication

When we are chatting to someone, something happens that causes our sympathies to decline. The cause could be physical discomfort, a dislike for what is being stated, or feelings of impatience and anger. You intend to put the other person in their place. In such cases, one of the two people has utilized a pattern that prevents communication, and you are going to get in trouble.

Defending leads to offence while attacking leads to defence. Conflict is not the same as discourse. Making explanations and passing judgments are not kinds of communication like good or bad. We should believe that both I and the other person are human and that everyone is attempting to meet their needs. You do anything you want, and I’ll take it easy, but this is not nonviolent communication. We should establish limits and meet our own wants without causing harm to others.

Diagnosing, blaming, and looking for the appropriate answer all lead to conflict.
Communication is broken when you judge, accuse, name, criticize, or give counsel to someone unwilling to receive feedback.
Judging indicates you should not have done that. Blaming indicates that this issue is your fault. Labelling indicates that this person is inconsiderate, lazy, or nasty.

The source of violence is a way of thinking based on right and wrong, just and unjust.

If we believe that individual A is lazy, and we assign challenging work to B and C to secure the project, A will become boring in the medium and long term. As for B and C, you will lose them in the long run because their burden will climb significantly.

So, shouldn’t we refer to the lazy as lazy? You can say that, but it will be to your disadvantage. Labeling someone as lazy will cause them to become lazy. We should communicate with that individual. Nobody calls oneself “bad” because there are no terrible people. Before giving advise, ask if you want to take it. There are three fundamental ways to communicate. Silent and vocal empathy, self-expression, and empathy for oneself.

-when I hear, -when I see, -because you need it, -you wonder, -why? We should utilize the patterns, and then -when I see, -when I hear, -because you need it, -I believe that is why you can do it. It is said. Finally, what are my prejudices, how am I feeling, and what do I require? What are your prejudices, how do you feel, and what are your needs? Should be considered.

Slowing down allows us to connect with our emotions and control them rather than being taken away by them. Getting furious is being emotional and unable to manage your feelings.

The four steps of nonviolent communication are observation, feeling, need and request.

What happened that made me feel lazy? In the last two assignments, A delivered the work 20% later than promised. That’s why I call him lazy. I am concerned about the issue. I feel compelled to confirm and clarify that the new project will be completed on time because I noticed a pattern in which A is likely to be late again.

Can you go to A and explain why you experienced delays in delivery on the last two projects? I am concerned about the current project, which is why I am asking; I want to support you suitably, you may say. If this continues, we can inform A that it is unsustainable and possibly fire him. The job is a mutual agreement, and if it does not work out, it can be ended; while this is undesirable for both parties, it does not constitute violence.

The primary task at hand is to become aware of our own thought patterns. Empathy for oneself, empathy for others, and honest communication.

According to Marshall Rosenberg, when encountering a negatively regarded phrase or behavior, we have four options:

1. Blaming the other person (Extroverted Jackal): A tactic for mobilizing individuals by instilling feelings of guilt and dread of punishment (“The fact that you ask me this question after everything I’ve told you shows that you haven’t listened to me at all.”).
2. Blaming oneself (Introverted Jackal): Taking blame and criticism personally (I’m so insensitive, so inept).
3. (Introverted Giraffe) Sensing our emotions and needs
4. (Extroverted Giraffe) Sensing the other person’s emotions and needs

Demo

A: We came to be roommates but I thought you never wanted me, you were so sullen.

The Outgoing Jackal Language

B: I was grumpy because of you. You are grumpier.

Feeling: I was worried that our relationship would deteriorate.

Introverted Jackal Language

B: He’s right, I can be like that sometimes.
Feeling: It’s demoralizing.

Introverted Giraffe Language

B: What bothers me? How did it make me feel when A said that? Why did it bother me? Why didn’t he say it at the time?

Extroverted Giraffe Language

B: What does A feel and why?

What reason does A have to write this? A is worried and now relaxed, and he is telling you about the past to deepen his bond with you, but B is offended by this situation because he believes his trust has been shaken; he asks why he didn’t tell you from the start, but A was nervous, so he couldn’t. This is how the issue is resolved.

B may argue that if you tell me this issue in a foreign language, I will have problems hearing you and would feel uncomfortable; it would be much more suitable if you could explain it in this manner.

Hearing the Yes in the No

You can’t trust someone who agrees to everything. What would you think if you asked an important person for anything and they declined? No is not the end of the story; rather, it is the start of something new. Saying I’ll do it but not doing it, or being mute, might likewise be seen as a no.

Consider a “no” that you have difficulty hearing and write down what you expect from that individual.

Our research side is deteriorating; we need to conduct research.

Extroverted jackal ear: Because technology is continually evolving, programs that do not involve study will be meaningless. We had been promised a research team, but it turned out to be vacant.

Introverted jackal ear: People with all of their expertise and experience determined that this condition was necessary after extensive evaluations. This is not an everyday decision; it is the outcome of significant effort by a huge corporation. Furthermore, if you work for one of the organizations that can devote the greatest resources to this subject in the country, you should recognize the opportunity you have. As a result, you should approach the situation with more trust and support. Who do I believe I am?

When you remember this “no”, what feelings and needs come to life inside you? (Self-Empathy)

Feelings: Disappointment, discouragement, broken

Needs: Support, belonging, understanding, honesty, sustainability

Consider the individual who said “no”. What may their emotions and needs be? What exactly is this person saying “yes” to when they say no to you? What needs might they be attempting to address? (Empathic connection search) If things did not go as planned, they may not have informed you right away. They might have faced a resource deficit.

They might have made an unintentionally hurtful comment.
Feelings: Lightened,
Needs: autonomy autonomy

New Request Type

There are three types of requests: A request is not a demand when expressed in positive action language or specific action language. You can now construct a request that addresses both of your requirements. Every person has universal basic demands that must be satisfied in order to maintain good health. We should communicate our requests in a favorable tone.

A: My dear, I don’t want you to work this much.
B: My wife wants me to take time for myself because she is upset with me, well, at least I should go and sign up for the golf club so I can take time for myself.

A: No, you misunderstood, I want you to take the weekends for me and the kids.

Another example:

A: Be fair.
B: I am fair anyway, what’s the problem?

Saying be fair here is not a positive thing, it means you are not fair.

A: Like our teammates, I want to take this week off.
B: You are right.

A: I want you to be diligent.
B: I am not being lazy.

What needs to happen:
A: Can you complete enough work to go to December 20 by December 10?
B: If we cut back on these features, maybe it will be enough, but the risk of making mistakes may increase. You also need to take on these extra burdens.

If you force individuals to conform because they are terrified of being penalized, you will lose their confidence and goodwill, which is not worth it. If you terrify your child into doing anything, they will repeat it by hiding from you when you are not looking, and they will only improve their capacity to conceal from you. You must explain your ideas to them and persuade them.

Focus on the need rather than the approach, and carry a few requests in your pocket. Have alternate personnel so you don’t have to push anyone to do anything. We conclude nonviolent communication requests with a question mark. The question should be, “Will you do this?” “Is this appropriate for you?” It should not be asked, “Will you do this?” “I want you to do it.”

There are two types of requests:

1. Requests that are solution-oriented and objective: You can request concrete action. For example, “Could you complete this report by tomorrow evening?” “Is that okay with you?”
2. Connection requests:

• Clarification of feelings and needs: “How did you react when you heard that?”
• Request repetition: “Sometimes I’m not as clear as I’d like. So, can you repeat what you heard (what I said)?”